Thursday, April 28

The Bard Goes to the Super Bowl

This is why Frank Deford is my favorite sports writer.

---- Copyrighted Material ----

The Bard goes to the Super Bowl
by Frank Deford

act 1

FAVRE:
Hail, young Bledsoe. What serendipity joins us quarterbacks
Here within the Quarter upon the quarter of the hour?

BLEDSOE:
Beware, noble Favre, for soon enough, by Patriot authority
'Twill be your Green Bay team that will be draw and quarter-ed.

FAVRE:
Forsooth, Bledsoe, for the quarterback you may be,
You speak with but a half a wit and full all of nothing.

BLEDSOE:
Oh, mark me, good Favre, for though have they called you
Most Valuable of Players for your autumn grandeur
'Tis winter now, and this January encounter, will send you
Out upon your shield, and me aloft to Disneyworld.

EXEUNT the two quarterbacks.

act 2 scene 1

ENTER LORT RUPERT OF FOX, who delivers a woeful soliloquy:

LORD RUPERT:
How dismal is this television world,
That I should come from distant isle,
To empty all my pretty purse for rights
To this grossly spangled grid spectacular,
Yet find upon my field of schemes no America's team
To prance its star-blue rogues before a breathless fandom
(Nor e'en San Fran's heroes, measuring up to two score and nine)
But, instead, a coupled unknown elevens:
The underdog, hailing from the Athens of America, so call-ed,
It's better rival from a frozen crossroads, where, perchance,
More cheese resides than do viewers for Fox news.
(Despairing:)
Oh, what sparse ratings means this ghastly pairing?
Cowboys, Cowboys! Wherefore art thou, Cowboys?
But, soft ye now, here comes the rugged Parsells.

EXIT

scene 2

ENTER BILL PARSELLS, THE PATRIOTS COACH.

PARSELLS:
Once I brought true Giants to this titled greensward,
But now, all my pigskin genius must be applied
Am I to obtain vict'ry for my current yeomen.
Alas, these Patriots are known, e'en 'mongst friends
As Patsies!
Patsies!!

ENTER BLEDSOE AND MANY OTHER PATRIOTS, running cross the stage, exulting.

PARSELLS sees them and raises his arms in hope.

PARSELLS:
But hear me from without the sideline stripe:
With the royal arm of daring Bledsoe, I will make
The Pack the patsies and my own Patriots super men!

BUT SUDDENLY, there is a forbidding voice, and then a ghost appears before PARSELLS.

GHOST:
Beware, rank Parsells.


----------- Copyrighted Material -----------

This and many other fantastic sports commentary is found in his excellent book: The Best of Frank Deford: I am just Getting Started

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home